A Calm Chuckle

The picture is of a rose in my yard that is trying to beat the coming storm and promised freeze. I'm hoping it won't freeze.
A friend sent me this little thing and I hope it makes you chuckle. It did me.

Calmness In Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace

A goofy little chuckly thing.

I've not had time to look these little flowers that grace my back yard up but they are pretty.
And then, just when you thought you might take me serious, my sis sends me this. Hope you enjoy and are not offended - at all, ever, by anyone!

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people who
read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the
people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand:
See the list below...

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good
each day if you try. You go well with most anyone.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin,
however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of
seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They
can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with a Moon Pie but Catfish or
Okra are O.K. too.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're
unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to
work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't
worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on
the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can
get remotely interested in the idea. A Chiltin would be a good mate but it's
not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might
be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums
have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're
dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to
work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and
play. You are a night person and mind your own business. You should
definitely marry an Armadillo.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an
office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to
the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living
room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically but have a good
heart.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They
love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the
essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if
you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself
a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the
heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You
Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play
hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life,
you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon
Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like
yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You
love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where
do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs
and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your
fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved
ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism
will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain
way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that
people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be
proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what
the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have
anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,
but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another
Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Humor reigned

Honey was probably the most patient cat I’ve ever known. He was my buddy. He trailed along behind me or sat on top of me or lay on my feet to keep them cozy while I slept for most of my childhood. We had an American Bull Terrier, some people call them pit bulls, that Honey would ride like a bronco, providing the family with laughs. His only problem was he fought a lot and even though he was quite large, strong and quick, on occasions he’d come home torn up. I had to be injured irreparably before my parents took me to the doctor. The cat was a step down the rung of the importance ladder. Mom would usually try to clean him up and doctor him a little but the general thought was leave him alone. Animals have a way of taking care of themselves.
When I was 8, my sister, her humorless husband, and baby daughter moved back to Colorado and in with us. Her husband made it a point not to laugh and my dad? well he never spent half a day without a joke of some kind. I didn’t really understand his lack of participation in our laugh feasts, but my father was bent on correcting the situation. My brother-in-law’s stoic reserve came to an end rather curiously.
Honey came in ripped and bloody. Mom wasn’t home. My sister and I looked him over with compassion. My heart was as torn as my cat’s skin. I might add here that my brother-in-law was also not fond of cats. He thought we should just shoot him. My dad suggested the things mama tried and that we might shoot Dean instead. That got an eye roll from the stoic.
Patty and I started in gathering our weapons of love before trying to contain the cat. Disinfectant, salve, gauze, tape, warm water and rags made up our veterinary supplies. My dad and I held the cat. Dad got the hind feet cause they kick harder. I got the fore legs, though they were closer to the mouth, which no one thought of.
Honey lay surprisingly still as my sister cleaned and dressed the ugly open wounds. Gradually the cat began to be uncomfortable with the whole thing, but we held firm. He chewed at my hand a little but stopped when I yelled. He had a lot of injuries this time. I’m not sure what it was that brought the cat to life. The last tape was not yet in place holding the last gauze when Honey shook us all off like loose rags and bounded to the highest point he could reach in the room, knocking varies pretties out of his way. He pulled away the unfinished bandage and began to lick the wound furiously. Then, as we watched on, his eyes bugged out, his tongue wiggled furiously and he began to howl.
He ran about the upper perimeter of the room, jumping and climbing from perch to perch. Each time he stopped, his eyes would bug, his tongue would wiggle furiously and the howling and jumping would start again. It’s not that compassion did not reign in our home, but that was the funniest thing I’d ever seen a cat do and it went on and on until we all, including my brother-in-law were rolling around, sides aching, trying to get our breath from laughing so hard. My dad stood up, shook my brother-in-law’s hand and welcomed him to the family.
Eventually, the cat sat still, eyes wide, body frozen. He’d make a move as if to lick his sore and then he’d stop and resume the frozen cat position again. This went on for some time. Finally my mom came home. Yes she saw the humor in it all, but she wouldn’t have the cat trashing the place. She gave the cat a bath, handed him over to me in a wet towel and told me to be gentle with the sore places but dry him off. As soon as he could get down, he ran into hiding and I didn’t see him again until the next day.
It’s a classic family story and every one has his own telling, but I like my version best.

The picture of course, is Hobbes.

Now We Know

Who the heck am I anyway?
There are times in our lives when we ask ourselves and maybe our mates just who we have become. Of course, we only ask our mates if we trust them enough to not tell us the deepest fears they hold or if we distrust them enough that we can write off what they say if it displeases us. I’m married to a prince who gives me an official sounding, ambiguous answer that I have developed sense enough to accept.
To say I’m tall, a little heavy for my small bones, have hazelly-brown eyes, blondy-brown hair that curls if given a chance (and a little moisture) and blue tinted fair skin that forms tiny freckles easily and tans seldom, is so superficial! That’s not me. That’s the packing. If I eat less, that changes. If I stress too much, that changes. If I get ill, that changes. If I plant a garden in the spring, I’ll be blonde again and if I spend more time by the pool, my freckles will eventually run together.
I read once that ‘to know thyself’ is the ultimate form of aggression, so much for my passive sweetie pie image. I’ve been going through this search for the real me for a time now. I really do think I have a clue most of the time, but I’m not sure others I’d like to have a clue do. Some of my ‘v’ friends have posted question lists which they dutifully answer with innocuous facts and a few “none of your ___ business” replies which leave me wondering “Where did they get those questions and why did they include the ones they didn’t wish to answer?”
But, if you go to blogthings, you can answer 5 or 10 unrelated questions and someone will tell you everything you always wanted to hear but couldn’t get a spouse with integrity to say. I’ve saved these little things time to time and I can now give you all a good idea of who I am without being a narcissistic derriere porte. After all, I didn’t write this stuff! So my search for me has been satisfied. And to think, a year ago I didn’t even know blogthings existed.

I have a hidden talent. I’m super sensitive and easily able to understand situations. I tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts. Decision making is easy for me. I have killer intuition. The right path is always clear, and I’m a bit of a visionary.
(There is at least one statement here that will make my close friends and offspring roll on the floor.)

My Element Is Earth. I excel at planning and strategizing. I could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, I am able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, I have a hard core. It's tough to phase me. I am super productive, and I am able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, my instincts are a good guide for my next step. (Read that – you doubters! Actually, I went back and tried to make it give me fire, but it wouldn’t. I’d already posted earth, so earth it is.)

My Blog Should Be Purple I’m an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. I tend to set blogging trends, (noone would follow) and I’m the most likely to write my own meme or survey. (?someday) I’m a bit distant though. My blog is all about me - not what anyone else has to say. (hey, hey here.)

I Belong in 1972 (a very bad year for me) Bold and brash, I take life by the horns. Whether I’m partying or protesting, I give it my all!

At Thanksgiving, I Am The Stuffing (huh?) I’m complicated and complex, yet all my pieces fit together. People miss me if I’m gone - but they're not sure why. (huh?)

I Am Sunrise I enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. (Yeah, right) I enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. I am a person of reflection and meditation. I start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, I enjoy making people happy. I’m often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. (I do not try to buy my friends anymore!) All in all, I know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be. (Duh!)

I Am Mint Green Balanced and calm, I have mastered the philosophy of living well. (As opposed to? . . .) My friends seek me out for support, and I am able to bring stability to chaotic situations. I’m very open and cheerful - and I feel like I have a lot of freedom in life. My future may hold any number of exciting things, and I’m ready for all of them!

Sesame Street: I Am Bert Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find me loveable - even if I don't love them! (huh?) I am usually feeling: (huh?) Logical - I rarely let my emotions rule me. I am famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, ( gee, she’s a neat . . . freak, yeah.) and maybe just a little evil. How I live my life: With passion, even if my odd passions -like bottle caps and pigeons- (huh?) are baffling to others.

I Am A Blue Flower A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, I am very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, I am wise like an iris. And more than I wish, I’m a little cold, like a blue hydrangea. (Cornflowers are very hardy, I’ve never known a wise iris and if hydrangeas get cold, they die.)

I Am 55% Left Brained, 45% Right Brained The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. (I like a good book, yeah, with the cat on my lap and the music going, yeah.)
The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. (Go Hogs!) (Day dreamer who counts things and talks a lot)

I Am 4% Sociopath I’m empathetic, loyal, and introspective. In other words, there's no way I’m a sociopath... but I can spot one pretty easily! (Of course my introspective empathy wouldn’t let me identify him)

Who Should Paint You: Andy Warhol I’ve got an interested edge that would be reflected in any portrait. I don't need any fancy paint techniques to stand out from the crowd! (Again and again and again and)

I Am Pepperoni Pizza Robust and dominant. When I go for something, (especially pizza) I go full force. I tend to take control of situations easily. And in return, I get a ton of respect. (especially if I bring the pizza back)

My Lucky Underwear is Blue (Huh?) I am caring and extroverted. I've made relationships my number one focus, and my lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them. (That is tooooo obvious.) I thrive in one-on-one situations. I am a good listener and a natural born therapist. (Sitting there in my blue underware helps them feel empowered.) Sometimes I let the concerns of others become too important in my life, leading to stress and worry. If I want more balance, I put on my blue underpants. They'll help me take care of myself first. (Yeah, I’m not going there. Especially in my blue undies.)

So now, you know all about me.

Chuckle, chuckle, laugh, laugh ROF

I am truly sorry folks, but a friend sent me this and I had to, had to post it. If you're a guy, look the other way, please. You won't understand.
Disclaimer: I am very sensitive about breast cancer, but Mammograms are to me a hilarious necessary evil, so I wasn't offended by this.
Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

A chuckle for the week after Christmas

A friend sent me this a couple of years ago. I thought you all might like a little silliness before I start getting philosophical on you! Peace. Enjoy.
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I had never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself up in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

children on the chuckle train

This is a newer picture than the blog, but I could not resist.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!

"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit?

We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"

No Way!"
"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!