A chuckle for the week after Christmas

A friend sent me this a couple of years ago. I thought you all might like a little silliness before I start getting philosophical on you! Peace. Enjoy.
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I had never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself up in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

children on the chuckle train

This is a newer picture than the blog, but I could not resist.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!

"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit?

We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"

No Way!"
"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

This was sent to me some years ago.  I drag it out every once in a while and chuckle over it.  No offence to the new improved Martha Stewart. 

The picture is of the banner I made.  A little big, huh?

Happy Thanksgiving

  Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.  Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I've made a few small changes:

  Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.  After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

  Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.  Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard.  The mud was their idea.

  The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.  Since this IS thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

  Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.  The artist assures me it is a turkey.

  We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline.  Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

  As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.  They are lying.

  We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.  We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

  In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room.  Next door.

  Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.  This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed.  It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls" is not a football play.  Nor is it a request to bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.  If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

  Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints.  You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

  Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.  I am thankful.

chuckle,chuckle

Accepting the chuckle challenge again. It's also an old one, but doggone it, I'm getting to where I like old things.

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? 

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? 

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? 

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? 

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Barbie humor

It's been a while since I received this.  Thought I'd take it out and dust it off.  Hope you still laugh even if you've read it before.
Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.   Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. 

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 

Scrambled

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE
 
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law.)